BROHEMIA

not to go off on another rant about how it’s easy to fall in love with any girl who shows the slightest bit of interest in you, but, yeah…

i’m ranting because that sort of thing hardly ever happens to a guy. since forever ago, men have always been the ones asking and initiating conversations with women. and for obvious reasons; if you didn’t tap as much cavewoman ass as possible, your species would completely die out. in this day and age i feel like we don’t really need to rely on our animalistic instincts and natural selection to have relations with a lady. victorian era courtship rituals were like careers. women learned the arts and music to entertain future suitors from birth and whoever she married got all of her money and property. after doing all that for god knows how long, you were lucky enough if you became tolerably fond of eachother. great. not even any hot corsette and powdery wig sex on the honey-moon.

seriously. men have never been the ones getting whacked over the head with a big stick and dragged into a cave to be taken advantage of. there are obvious obstacles involved in trying to take advantage of an unconscious man, i get it. i’m trying to prove a point here. what i’m getting at is that i’m fucking tired of it. i’m not the only one, either. friends complain to me with just as much fervor and sigh inducing revelations as i do. pretty much all of modern human history has put pressure for a man to be, well, manly and it’s crushing us skinny, blog and music nerds who aren’t interested in keg stands or being completely fit or even worried about having a degree in business so we can get that twelve dollar haircut every week! we don’t need to procreate with someone strong and that smart for the sake of the race anymore. we can fall in love now. i know there are people out there that just want the surface of someone. but the majority of people want to be loved, to be able to relate to someone, to be with someone who doesn’t make you want to push them out of that new condo the two of you just moved into. we’re a bunch of boys in man suits trying our hardest to live up to the expectations of what thousands of years of society have set up.  

at work i’m constantly talking and interacting with people so it gets easier to be friendly and flirty with woman, but it almost always feels one-sided. i’m doing all the heavy lifting trying to get to know these girls, trying to get past that first awkward, “so, uh, what are you doing later? you wanna… do… something?” it’s excruciating. i’ve never met a girl that’s done that to me. that straight picks up her woman balls and goes for it. “let’s grab a beer when you’re off work. yeah?”

hell the fuck yeah. are you kidding? that’d make my day. just once. and it baffles me that it doesn’t happen. don’t get me wrong. it’s not like i’ve never asked a girl out. i’ve gone out with several girls who it either didn’t work out with or who i’m just friends with now. which is great. i don’t need to marry every girl i go out with. i’m just noting that i’ve never been asked out by a girl. i wish that taboo would die out. and i’m not asking for things like sadie hawkins dances when you’re in high school, either. creating events making it mandatory for a girl to ask a guy out is just embarrassing and patronizing. like when you’re dad taught you how to swim when you were a kid, so he pushed your ass in the pool when weren’t paying attention. you never wanted to swim again, right? you got out, wearing those ridiculous blow-up wings and over-sized goggles thinking, “you fucking asshole”.

i could be completely wrong. maybe those girls who have the courage or that i don’t give a shit attitude about dating and courtship and blah, blah don’t ask dudes that complain about girls asking guys out if they want to grab a beer sometime. maybe i haven’t met or happened upon one of these mythical creatures. they’re like a pegasus unicorn. or cthulhu.

what’s even worse is that femme gay guys are totally okay with overtly flirting and eye fucking you if they think you’re cute. it’s flattering until you start thinking about what they’re thinking and it always end with, “if they were a hot woman without a penis, i’d get it”. with more and more men feeling inadequate because of reality t.v. shows like that bullshit with bret michaels and his twelve whores following him around and the abomination that is jersey shore becoming more commonplace, it’d do a woman good to eye fuck the shit out of some guy she thought was cute. and not when she’s drunk. hell, you don’t even have to do that. just say what you want. woman play games even if they say they don’t. they do. all of them. even subconsciously. 

so, stop. 

say what you’re thinking. do what you’re feeling. help us out. honestly, we don’t get it. it’s like all women are playing opposite day, but they didn’t tell the entire population of the opposite sex about it. if you don’t we’re all gonna end up like michael cera when he got ‘guiddo’d out’. and that’s when we’ll know the end has come.